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Well I can't say life is all cream puffs and sugarplums because if I did I would be lying. I'm not searching for sympathy or anything, but who can you turn to if you can't turn to family? School has gotten a little better, at least biology has since I started getting help from my professor. However, I'm still feeling overwhelmed and part of it is because I'm just not motivated to do it anymore. I really want to give up and just be done with it, but I know that isn't an option. I don't know why this year is so hard for me, but it is. It just feels like when I get something done there's still 8000 other things for me to do still. Some of it too is my situation with friends. It's not just within my sorority but with people that I felt close with somewhat outside of my sorority too, I just feel like I don't really have any friends here. I feel like my friends here are conditional and as soon as we're not around each other there's no reason to speak to each other.

This sounds really stupid and everything but just now I was looking at my buddy list and going down it I think i could pick out maybe 3 or 4 people that I feel like I'm close with. I never really cared before about friends but for some reason I care now. I guess I'm just getting afraid that these feelings are feelings I've had before and I get so scared that I may be getting depressed again. My inability to concentrate, focus, my lack of motivation, feeling so alone all the time. I'm trying really hard to keep myself going and to work through this but I'm just feeling more and more hopeless about things. I don't want to feel like this and I know I should go talk to someone here about it and see what they might be able to do for me but I guess I just don't want to admit that things are getting that way again. I keep hoping that constantly putting on a happy face will make me feel better, and I can fake things being ok pretty well, but I know it's simply that: Me pretending everything's ok. I can't go through this again, and I really am trying to hang in there but it just feels like I can't anymore. I don't want to have to be put on medication again. I don't want to bring everyone down. But I don't know who else to talk to. I don't feel comfortable talking to someone I don't know about all this.

I want to do well more than anything, I know what I want to do with my life and how I want it to be, but getting there is just beginning to look impossible. I'm so scared that this is what the rest of my life is going to be like. Thinking I'm all better and then for no reason at all suddenly realizing that I'm not better, it was just a brief period of calm, like the eye of a hurricane. I'm sorry you guys all seem to have to go through all this with me. I hate to bring everyone down because I can't seem to be able to function normally. I hate feeling like I can't do something and I refuse to admit defeat, but I'm feeling very defeated.